My Dear Subordinates
by A Completely Sane Writer
Summary: Alucard is a troll, Walter is going senile, the Wild Geese are always drunk,The Dandy Man is on probation in Brazil, and The Doctor may have summoned Cthulhu. Whether they lead an organization of vampire hunters, Catholic crusaders, or Nazi vampires, every leader has to deal with frustrating subordinates. Inspired by the Bleach fanfiction, "Please Stop Eating the Hell Butterflies."
1. Chapter 1

**My Dear Subordinates**

A Hellsing Fanfiction

 **Summary:** Whether they lead an organization of vampire hunters, Catholic crusaders, or Nazi vampires, every leader has to deal with annoying subordinates. Inspired by the Bleach fanfiction, "Please Stop Eating the Hell Butterflies."

 **Hello Everybody! Like I said in the summary, this was inspired by "Please Stop Eating the Hell Butterflies" and uses the same format, but the idea's used should be original, and I hope you enjoy reading it. Also, I'm using a mix of the Canon and Abridged personas for the characters, since it makes it easier to fit some of the jokes. The M rating is for language, there shouldn't be any adult content otherwise. Lastly, this is my first fanfiction, so feedback of any kind is appreciated!**

 **A Memo to the Following Members of the Hellsing Organization, from**

 **Integra Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing:**

 **Alucard:** While playing it is admittedly one of the less catastrophic habits you've picked up, you have to turn down the loud, angry rock music emanating from your chamber. I understand that you're bored when you don't have things to kill on a regular basis, but it's putting the soldiers on edge, and more importantly, I can't get any paperwork done! **Addendum:** When I said to turn it down, I meant to the point that I couldn't hear it any longer, not turn the volume switch half a degree down, damnit!

 **Seras Victoria:** Regardless of what Alucard may have led you to believe, the official motto/battle cry of the Hellsing Organization is " _In the Name of God, Impure Souls of the Living Dead Shall be Banished to Eternal Damnation_ ," NOT " _DIE MOTHERFUCKER DIE_." Please insure that you are shouting out the correct phrase while in combat.

 **Walter C. Dornez:** I'm very happy that you've found a hobby in tabletop gaming. However, allowing your obsession with it to lead to you request Alucard to role play one with you was ill advised, and nearly led the destruction of the entire manor. As this has been the first incident you've caused in the entire time I've known you, I simply ask that you clean up everything that got destroyed. See that this doesn't happen again.

 **A Memo to the Following Members of the Iscariot Organization, from Enrico Maxwell:**

 **Father Alexander Anderson:** I applaud your initiative, I really do, but for the last time, we can't keep breaking you out of jail every time you try to assault someone for not following the Lord Almighty, or for being fond of vampire fiction for that matter. These filthy sinners _will_ get what's coming to them, but for the time being you have got to be patient.

 **Heinkel Wolfe/ Yumie:** Carrying your guns/katana out in the open while in public is not only illegal, but it immediately alerts any vampires you may be hunting. Please keep your weapons concealed better in the future.

 **A Memo to the Following Members of the Letztes Battalion, from The Major:**

 **First Lieutenant Rip Van Winkle:** I of all people understand your love for particularly gruesome opera plays, but I would prefer that you would not strong-arm your coworkers into performing a reenactment of " _Der Freischütz_." Unless of course the deaths in the play are real, in which case I give my full support and will be wanting front row seats of the carnage. **Addendum:** Sadly, I have been informed by Herr Doctor that murdering our troops, especially when they number less than a thousand, is somewhat of a poor strategy for our long term goals. I therefore reluctantly retract my previous statement. Maybe you could find some Englishmen to take part in your play instead?

 **First Lieutenant Zorin Blitz:** You have neither the skill nor the authority to give magical illusion tattoos to your coworkers. Yours are rather unique, why don't you keep them that way?

 **Warrant Officer Schrodinger:** While we are still on the fence as to whether or not your tendency to flaunt your ability to be "everywhere and nowhere" is endearing or obnoxious, suddenly appearing in front of your coworkers while they are in the shower most certainly falls into the latter category. Please refrain from doing so in the future.

 **The Captain:** Please stop going out in public in full SS uniform and growling at the people staring at you. We are supposed to be a secretive shadow organization, remember?

" **The Dandy Man" Alhambra:** If you are going to challenge people to a game of poker, please refrain from using your magic set of cards. We have had too many complaints of cheating, as well as people getting their hands cut off, though to be fair the latter offence _was_ pretty funny. **Addendum:** Alright, alright Doc! I'll stop encouraging our soldiers to kill each other!


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2:**

 **A Memo to the Following Members of the Hellsing Organization, from**

 **Integra Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing:**

 **Alucard:** You are NOT, under ANY circumstances, to ever take your hellhound "out for a walk" in the streets of London ever again! Do you have any concept of the level of mass panic you caused? Never mind, of course you do, that's why you did it. **Addendum:** I don't care that "His name is Baskerville!" He is a giant, three headed dog made out of shadow mass, and you are not to let normal people see him!

 **Seras Victoria:** While I appreciate your attempt to keep Alucard occupied and out of my hair by introducing him to violent video games, it has led to him coming up with even more sadistic ways to kill people. It was bad enough when he committed wholesale slaughter by simply shooting people and getting it over with, but lately he's been describing to me all of the many creative ways to kill people with grenades, rocket launchers, and landmines, and frankly, I'm starting to get a bit concerned. The members of the Round Table don't like me very much to begin with, the last thing I need is for them to try and put me under probation for employing "cruel and unusual punishments."

 **Walter C. Dornez:** You are not qualified to give our troops dental exams, regardless of the resemblance between your attack wires and dental floss. As a result of your attempts to do so, nearly half of our forces had their faces mutilated, and replacing soldiers isn't cheap, damnit! Make no mistake; you _will_ be in charge of hiring new troops, and the cost for doing so will come out of _your_ paycheck!

 **A Memo to the Following Members of the Iscariot Organization, from Enrico Maxwell:**

 **Father Alexander Anderson** : Your request to have the symbol of the Iscariot Organization be changed to a cross made out of bayonets shall be put under review, as I admit it actually sounds pretty cool. That being said, you're _other_ requests to have you become our official mascot, and to have out slogan become " _Don't sin, or we'll cut off your head!"_ will be soundly ignored. We don't even _have_ a mascot!

 **A Memo to the Following Members of the Letztes Battalion, from The Major:**

 **First Lieutenant Rip Van Winkle:** Please try to be more careful when cleaning your gun, or at the very least, stop leaving it loaded all the time. The accidental shots you keep firing off are tearing up the blimps, and we can't afford to replace them! I like to think of myself as a lenient boss, but if there is one hard rule I must set down, it is that you do Not. Mess. With. My. Zeppelins.

 **First Lieutenant Zorin Blitz:** If you're going to take the time to dress up as the Grim Reaper, sneak into people's houses, and scare them senseless by standing in front of their bed in the middle of the night, I must request you film the incident so the entire battalion can enjoy it. We could all use a good laugh!

 **Warrant Officer Schrodinger:** You are not allowed to send a letter to our dear Fräulein over at Hellsing complaining how Seras Victoria "stole your look." We are not ready to reveal our existence to them yet, and it's merely a coincidence that you look similar anyway.

 **The Captain:** Please put a shirt on. Our female (and a few male) members are having trouble getting any work done with you… distracting them. **Addendum:** "I'm too sexy for my shirt" is not a- …alright, I may have walked into that one, fair enough. Still, at least put a jacket on or something.

 **Jan Valentine:** While I have no personal objection to your quite excessive swearing or the violent death threats leveled against you by quite a number of our members, we still need you alive for an upcoming mission, and I would prefer you not get murdered just yet. Please refrain from intentionally offending people quite so much. **Addendum:** "Up yours, fatso!" is _not_ the proper way to address your superiors.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3:**

 **I just realized I didn't put a disclaimer in before now, and I should probably do that at least once, so here it is: I don't own Hellsing, it belongs to Kouta Hirano and whoever else has the rights to it.**

 **A Memo to the Following Members of the Hellsing Organization, from**

 **Integra Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing:**

 **Alucard:** You are not allowed to change into your so-called "Girlycard" form, manipulate my soldiers into flirting with you, and then kill them with the excuse of them "sexually harassing you." Why does everyone seem to think soldiers grow on trees?!

 **Seras Victoria** You are not allowed to try and create a vampire pony under your command by drinking its blood; do I make myself perfectly clear? **Addendum:** I don't care if Alucard said you could, he may be your master but I am both your AND his boss, and my word is final!

 **Walter C. Dornez:** I fully understand your actions, I really do, but stabbing Alucard with a kitchen knife after he kept interrupting you from your job just let him know that he won. In my experience, you just have to ignore him till he goes away. (Or finds another target.)

 **Pip Bernadotte:** You and your men should be aware that while sexual harassment complaints from Alucard are soundly ignored, ones from Seras are actually looked into. Keep that in mind if you want to stay employed here.

 **A Memo to the Following Members of the Iscariot Organization, from Enrico Maxwell:**

 **Father Alexander Anderson:** Please stop sending hate mail to the Hellsing Organization. I can appreciate the sentiment, but it keeps getting sent back to MY office where I have to dispose of it.

 **Father'O'mally'O'Connel'O'C arrol'O'Reilly'O'Brian'O'Sullivan:** For the love of our Lord, PLEASE stop sending me paperwork that forces me to write out your name! I don't know what I did to you, but this is just plain spiteful!

 **A Memo to the Following Members of the Letztes Battalion, from The Major:**

 **Herr Doctor:** I quite literally can't remember what happened yesterday, but given the fact that the words, "serve the master," keep ringing through my head, and that I keep seeing flashes of a giant, tentacle-laden monster, I'm going to kindly ask you to stop trying to summon Eldritch Monstrosities. We already have Schrodinger to complete our goals, and the last thing we need is to be destroyed before we even start our magnificent war.

 **First Lieutenant Rip Van Winkle, "The Dandy Man" Alhambra, First Lieutenant Zorin Blitz, and The Captain:** The underlying feeling that you recently went through a highly traumatic experience is a noted problem among the battalion, and you will all be provided the therapy you requested. Provided, of course, we can find a therapist not undergoing the same issue.

 **Jan Valentine:** You polite request to have Herr Doctor look into reinstating your ability to swear and make crass remarks after losing it during whatever happened yesterday will be granted… soon. Eventually. When he gets around to it.

 **Warrant Officer Schrodinger:** While you appear to be entirely unaffected by yesterday's events, I kindly request you go to Herr Doctor for testing just to be on the safe side. Make sure he is VERY thorough. Not to keep him from fixing Jan or anything, of course not, just to be safe, that's all.


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4:**

 **Disclaimer: On pain of Alucard, I swear that I don't own Hellsing.**

 **A Memo to the Following Members of the Hellsing Organization, from**

 **Integra Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing:**

 **Alucard:** Much like Seras, you are not allowed to make a vampiric horse, and you are most certainly not allowed climb onto said horse, cut off your head, and carry it around pretending to be the Headless Horseman. What's wrong with you?

 **Seras Victoria:** Stop helping Alucard with his pranks by getting the soldiers intoxicated and preventing them from informing me of what's going on. It's bad enough when he pulls this shit on his own, the last thing I need is for him to have an accomplice! **Addendum:** I don't believe for a moment that you're innocent or that my troops "just wanted to have a drink with you." Every damn soldier under my employ wants to have a drink with you, but you've never done so before now!

 **Walter C. Dornez:** I do not appreciate your attempts to hide my cigars in an attempt to keep me from smoking. I understand the concern for my health, but I'm far more likely to die from the stress of dealing with Alucard and his new conspirator without my cigars than I ever am from lung cancer!

 **Pip Bernadotte:** If I get woken up one more time by the drunken parties coming from your end of the compound, I'm going to have you on toilet cleaning duty for the next month!

 **A Memo to the Following Members of the Iscariot Organization, from Enrico Maxwell:**

 **Father Alexander Anderson:** You are to stop sending me poorly disguised "anonymous requests" encouraging me to send you out to fight Alucard. I would be more than happy to wipe him and Hellsing off the face of the God's Earth, but the diplomatic troubles of a direct assault would never leave me time to organize a effective crusade! You will simply have to be patient. **Addendum:** That does not mean you can come charging into my office and demand I send you out instead!

 **A Memo to the Following Members of the Letztes Battalion, from The Major:**

 **Herr Doctor:** Please stop laughing maniacally while performing experiments. I'm well aware it's rather fun to do, but the battalion members are beginning to become unnerved, and considering they're literal Nazi vampires, I believe you must concede that your laugh is rather disturbing.

 **Warrant Officer Schrodinger:** Stop setting pamphlets in my room labeled: "Tips for maintaining a healthy diet." It was funny the first few times, but covering my entire wall with them is going a little too far.

 **Luke Valentine:** If you're going to brainstorm witty one-liners for after you destroy Alucard, please to it in your own free time, away from other people. The rest of our members are starting to have something of a laugh at your expense, and you have to admit it is a little excessive.

 **First Lieutenant Zorin Blitz:** Please refrain from idling twirling your scythe around. Quite a number of our members have nearly lost their arms, and while I find it rather amusing, if I don't tell you to stop I'll have Herr Doctor yelling at me again about "not causing injury to our troops," and other such nonsen- I mean words of wisdom.


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5:**

 **Disclaimer: I'm not a Japanese hentai artist, so I'm pretty sure I don't own Hellsing.**

 **Author's Note:** Apologies for the late update, but I've realized that writing three chapters a week is not a schedule I can keep up with, so future chapters will come three times every other week, and hopefully I'll be able to keep to that schedule a bit better. Also, I'm beginning to run out of ideas for the Iscariots; since I only really have Anderson to write stuff for, so if anyone has any idea's they'll be most appreciated.

 **A Memo to the Following Members of the Hellsing Organization, from**

 **Integra Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing:**

 **Alucard:** I shouldn't even have to tell you this, but you are NOT allowed to film pornography with our troops as the cast! **Addendum:** I don't care if Seras "has the perfect figure for it"; you haven't crossed the line this time so much as you've blown the line to pieces while laughing maniacally!

 **Seras Victoria:** Alucard is not trying to kick start your career in modeling despite what he may have told you, and you should know better than to trust him at this point anyway.

 **Pip Bernadotte:** If Alucard develops an obsession with pornography because you and your idiotic soldiers left some lying around, I swear to god I'll have kill every last one of you, then have Seras drain your blood and turn you into ghouls just so I can kill you again!

 **A Memo to the Following Members of the Iscariot Organization, from Enrico Maxwell:**

 **Father Alexander Anderson:** The fact that our spies have reported that Hellsing and her pet vampires are engaging in some highly unsavory and ungodly activities does NOT give you a reason to go over and attempt to kill them all. For a holy man, you do not seem to understand anything about the virtue of patience.

 **A Memo to the Following Members of the Letztes Battalion, from The Major:**

 **Herr Doctor:** While you're not technically doing anything against the rules, I would prefer you refocus your efforts on something more constructive than creating a dimension travelling police box. There is no point in preventing Doctor Who from "surpassing" you, as he is a fictional character and is therefore physically incapable of doing so.

 **First Lieutenant Zorin Blitz:** Please stop pestering your female coworkers to engage in sexually based activities with you. I don't honestly care all that much, but I would prefer to keep the number of my senior officers with a price on their head limited to just Jan as much as I am able to. It wouldn't do to have you all start dying before our war even begins, now would it?

 **Warrant Officer Schrodinger:** You are to stay out of Herr Doctor's lab. If you want him to create a paradoxical catgirl so can have a friend you can relate to, take it up with him rather than trying to do it yourself.

 **Jan Valentine:** I know you're frustrated that you are still incapable of saying anything that isn't positive and polite, but you are not allowed to make up for it by writing crude, nasty letters and tossing them all throughout your coworkers' private quarters.

 **First Lieutenant Rip Van Winkle:** While using Jan's letters to make a pouch for your bullets after the last one broke was a constructive use of paper, I'm afraid it only served to further enrage him when he found out. Perhaps you should not have displayed it quite so smugly?


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6:**

 **Disclaimer: While I'm skeptical that** **Kouta Hirano has nothing better to do than sue a random fanfic author because I didn't put in a disclaimer, I'll say it anyway: I don't own Hellsing.**

 **A Memo to the Following Members of the Hellsing Organization, from**

 **Integra Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing:**

 **Alucard:** You are never again to reenact the dance in Michael Jackson's "Thriller" on the front lawn while using your ghouls as the cast members. While admittedly no one got hurt this time, the troops are beginning to ask for therapy to be provided as one of their job benefits, and I'd appreciate it if you didn't continuously give their arguments merit on a daily basis!

 **Seras Victoria:** While I still hold reservations about Alucard teaching you his centipede summoning ability, I feel it must be stated that your use of it to interrupt and put an end to one of the Wild Geese's drunken party's is to be commended, and you'll be receiving a bonus to your paycheck at the end of the week. Well done.

 **Pip Bernadotte:** So long as it comes out of your paycheck, you're free to hire all the exterminators you want, but I feel it's only fair to warn you ahead of time that it's not going to do much good.

 **Walter C. Dornez:** While your attempt to give me a break by sneaking sedatives into Alucard's blood bags was much appreciated, I would request you not do so again due to the unexpected effect of only causing him to get completely drunk. Trust me, I believe I speak for everyone when I say that a drunken Alucard is a nightmare no one should ever have to see even once, let alone twice.

 **A Memo to the Following Members of the Iscariot Organization, from Enrico Maxwell:**

 **Father Alexander Anderson:** Your petition to add "except heathens and monsters," to the end of the sixth commandment is largely unnecessary, as I believe that goes without saying.

 **A Memo to the Following Members of the Letztes Battalion, from The Major:**

" **The Dandy Man" Alhambra:** I would appreciate it if you stop stumbling into headquarters beaten up and bloody after having gotten caught cheating at cards in one of the nearby casinos. What you do in your spare time is your business, but seeing one of our supposedly elite members constantly being beat into a pulp is beginning to affect the morale of our troops. You ARE a vampire, and you DO regenerate, so perhaps you could simply wait until you're healed before coming back to base?

 **Warrant Officer Schrodinger:** Herr Doctor has asked me to reprimand you for teleporting on top of famous monuments all over the world and having bewildered tourists take pictures of you, but frankly I don't really see the harm in it. In fact, perhaps you could find a way to film their reactions? It would certainly provide a bit of entertainment for the battalion!

 **First Lieutenant Rip Van Winkle:** You have no room to complain about getting struck by lightning when you deliberately started dancing on top of one of the blimps in the middle of a thunderstorm while twirling your gun around in the air. Put simply, you were just plain tempting fate.

 **Herr Doctor:** You may want to tone down some of your experiments. I feel it must be pointed out that when our battalion of Nazi's who gave up their humanity to become unholy, bloodthirsty monsters are disturbed and appalled by the things they see you doing, you may be going a little overboard.

 **Jan Valentine:** I recommend you run away for a few days as soon as you get the chance. I don't know what you did this time, but our troops are organizing together and seem to be planning to hunt you down and kill you as violently as physically possible. Just thought I should give you a fair warning ahead of time!


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7:**

 **Disclaimer:** Is there really a point to this mandatory disclaimer? I don't own Hellsing.

 **AN: Seriously having trouble coming up with content for Iscariot. Though I find it hilarious that the zealous religious organization is the one I'm having trouble parodying. Also, apologies for the late update, I don't really have an excuse this time outside of being lazy.**

 **A Memo to the Following Members of the Hellsing Organization, from**

 **Integra Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing:**

 **Alucard:** You are never again to hold a side job as a stage magician, due to you mentally scarring _everyone_ at the show you hosted when you pulled a red eyed, demonic rabbit out of your hat. If nothing else, you should have waited until Halloween. **Addendum:** This was not a matter of people "not knowing a quality show when they see one", and even if it was it wouldn't change the fact that you are nearly as much of a menace to Britain's population as the vampires you're supposed to be hunting!

 **Seras Victoria:** If you're going to follow Alucard's lead and get a side job as a fashion designer, you are not allowed to create designs based around your Hellsing uniform, as it poses a security risk. **Addendum:** While not technically against the rules, I would also prefer if you not base designs around Alucard's clothes, as I don't think I could stand seeing people walking around dressed like that damned vampire. Honestly, could you two just stick to your job's here? I'll even offer you a raise!

 **Walter C. Dornez:** Giving Alucard the keys to the limo in order to get him out of your hair was a highly irresponsible, if admittedly understandable decision. While it did come back in one piece, I have no doubt we'll be hearing about something Alucard did on the news soon enough, especially considering the massive grin he had after coming home. **Addendum:** …And my suspicions have been proven correct. ALUCARD! My office, NOW!

 **Pip Bernadotte:** Your request for paid medical leave is denied, as all your injuries were sustained from an entirely stupid decision. Honestly, what did you think was going to happen when you insulted Alucard in French? He _is_ five hundred years old; he knows quite a large number of languages.

 **A Memo to the Following Members of the Iscariot Organization, from Enrico Maxwell:**

 **Father Alexander Anderson:** Stop filling notebooks with the phrase "All paperwork and no fighting Alucard makes Alexander a dull boy" and piling them on my desk all the way up to the ceiling. I get it already!

 **A Memo to the Following Members of the Letztes Battalion, from The Major:**

 **Warrant Officer Schrodinger:** I understand that your "Trolling The Nazi's" videos you have posted to YouTube have become quite popular, but I'd appreciate it if you didn't list the location of our base in the credits of each one. As I keep telling all of you, we are supposed to be a secret organization, remember?

" **The Dandy Man" Alhambra:** Due to your recent escapades having resulted in the police attempting to track down your location and nearly discovering out base, I'm afraid I have no choice but to relocate you to Brazil. Don't worry; I have a mission planned for you shortly. One that most certainly does not involve you getting eaten by Alucard. Defiantly not.

 **Herr Doctor:** Please stop trying to install a Big Red Button™ into our blimps that causes them to self destruct. For what possible reason would we even need one of those?

 **The Captain:** I understand that you like to chew on them, but the pile of bones lying in your room is beginning to smell quite terrible, and the people in the rooms around you have begun to complain. In the future, please dispose of the bones after you're done with them.


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8:**

 **Disclaimer: The rights to Hellsing do not belong to me. If they did, it wouldn't have been finished as a result of my laziness.**

 **AN: I apologize for the extremely late update, though I'm afraid I have no excuse outside of being lazy and spending far too much time playing Starcraft. Also, I find that coming up with ideas for Millennium is somewhat difficult, as while the characters themselves lend to plenty of humorous things they can do, it's hard coming up with something The Major would actually give a shit about.**

 **A Memo to the Following Members of the Hellsing Organization, from**

 **Integra Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing:**

 **Alucard:** Going grocery shopping is not your job, we pay people for that. I don't know what sort of whim you got to make you decide to take over the task, but I feel it rather important to point out that you cannot try to get deals by pulling a gun on the cashier. That's not haggling, it's armed robbery!

 **Seras Victoria:** I can understand your desire to lessen the bleakness of your room by painting the walls pink, but you should not have painted the entirety of the dungeons that color! The interrogation room just so happens to be down there, and it's significantly harder to scare weaker willed prisoners into revealing secrets without having to spend time using to violence when their held captive in a cheery, brightly colored room!

 **Walter C. Dornez:** Using your wires to teach yourself how to tightrope walk was an exceedingly poor idea. You continual forgetfulness of the fact that you cannot use your wires for normal purposes never fails to astound me! Regardless, you are (usually) my least destructive subordinate, and I don't need you nearly killing yourself!

 **Pip Bernadotte:** You and your men are no longer allowed to handle fireworks, or any kind of explosive for that matter, on the premises without careful, competent supervision. **Addendum:** Alucard being present does not constitute careful or competent supervision; it can't even be considered supervision at all! As proven by the most recent incident, it means only that the situation has been made approximately ten times worse!

 **A Memo to the Following Members of the Iscariot Organization, from Enrico Maxwell:**

 **Father Alexander Anderson:** While I understand that many of your teleportation and barrier making abilities require you to be in possession of pages from the Holy Bible, I would prefer you not rip pages out of a Bible in public as a way of getting more. It sends something of a wrong message to our recruits.

 **A Memo to the Following Members of the Letztes Battalion, from The Major:**

 **Warrant Officer Schrodinger:** If you're going to visit anime conventions disguised as a cosplayer, please refrain from using your powers to cut through lines and get through crowds. The stuffy Old Men of The Opera House are always getting on my back about you all revealing yourselves, so try to keep it down a notch, okay?

" **The Dandy Man" Alhambra:** I understand your not exactly happy about your relocation to Brazil, but look at it this way; now you can gamble all you want!

 **Herr Doctor:** If you don't want to get made fun of by the battalion, you should stop shouting "It's alive! It's alive!" during your experiments. I hate to break it to you, but, well, you're kind of asking for it.

 **Jan Valentine:** The manhunt for you has mostly died down now; you can feel free to return to base. However, I must warn you that if you continue to be so disruptive to my meal- I mean to the peace and quiet around the base, I may consider relocating you to Brazil with Alhambra.

 **First Lieutenant Zorin Blitz:** Please stop casting illusions of your fellow troops. The first time someone ran down the halls screaming about the "angry chicken monster" it was rather funny, but having a whole group of them run amuck through the kitchen is going too far. **Addendum:** I confess to not quite understanding what you mean, but regardless you are not "practicing your genjutsu" you are simply being- what is the word Schrodinger keeps using? Ah, yes, a troll.

 **AN: In response to someone who asked a while back how I come up with these ideas, it's actually quite simple. I have a list of all the characters I use, and then I pick a name from the list and ask myself, "What could this person do?" I then pull some random bullshit out of my ass and tweak it until it vaguely makes sense. It's mostly a matter of coming up with concepts, and then leaving it to the readers imagination as to how to whole incident went.**


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9:

Disclaimer: Saying I own Hellsing is the same kind of statement as saying Kouta Hirano has or likely ever will finish the Dawn manga, that is to say a blatant lie.

 **AN: Why is the update so late? Well, you see, I um… got lost on the road of life. Yeah.**

 ***In a faraway universe, a man named Hatake Kakashi sneezes***

 **Anyway, I actually do have a semi valid reason this time, as I've been working on a new story, the first chapter of which will be posted in a few days. It's actually a legit story this time too, with several thousand word chapters and such. Also, as an apology, this chapter has a short omake!**

 **A Memo to the Following Members of the Hellsing Organization, from**

 **Integra Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing:**

 **Alucard:** Just because your outfit is primarily red does not mean you can go out in public covered in blood. It is still very much noticeable and is no less likely to cause mass panic.

 **Seras Victoria:** Going to your yearly dentist checkup was a mistake that should have been incredibly obvious. And had you bothered to read the papers you signed when you were conscripted, you would have known our organization has a dentist on staff as part of our health benefits. And no, it isn't Walter, despite what he may try to tell you, but I think we all already know _that_.

 **Walter C. Dornez:** I understand you are often overworked, but allowing Alucard to take over responsibility for doing your chores was not a wise decision. I'm not entirely sure _how_ , but he somehow managed to cause every mistake that you would expect a small child to, with the laundry room being flooded with soap, and every room overpoweringly like lemon due to excessive use of cleaner while dusting.

 **Pip Bernadotte:** No, I am not docking your pay because I'm a "typical racist English person" but because we are being sued by a number of businesses because you trashed their bars!

 **A Memo to the Following Members of the Iscariot Organization, from Enrico Maxwell:**

 **Father Alexander Anderson:** I agree that your impersonations of the various Hellsing Organization members are quite amusing, but the annual meeting with our superiors was NOT the proper place to enact them. In particular, I do not believe they were pleased with your rather crude manner of speaking. Off the record, you damn well better hope our budget doesn't get cut because of this!

 **A Memo to the Following Members of the Letztes Battalion, from The Major:**

 **Warrant Officer Schrodinger:** While I am quite amused, I in no way believe that you caused the scientific community to believe there is a new, undiscovered species of cat-boy running around accidentally. Perhaps you should attempt to learn a bit of subtlety, nein?

 **Herr Doctor:** I do not understand your newfound interest in nuclear weaponry, but the battalion, hell, even _I'm_ beginning to get a little nervous about being suddenly blown to kingdom come as a result of your experiments. And nervous is not a feeling I've felt in… well, ever, really, so you can believe I'm serious when I tell you to stop.

 **First Lieutenant Rip Van Winkle:** While I applaud your sense of caution, it is a bit excessive to point your gun in the face of everyone who walks into our base, given our members frequently come and go, and that the location of our base is highly secret. If you're bored, why don't you go play with Schrodinger?

 **The Captain:** I understand your fondness of dogs, but I believe everyone was surprised (and quickly irritated) when you bought a small poodle fond of yapping. Could you not have bought a quieter pet?

 **Omake: Reprimands after the events the Hellsing OVA Episode I**

 **A Memo to the Following Members of the Hellsing Organization, from**

 **Integra Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing:**

 **Alucard:** I am well aware of your feelings of glee when facing off against a powerful opponent, but the proper response in such a situation (of which the one with Anderson in Patrick certainly qualified) is to release your restrictions and eliminate them, not drag out the fight for your own amusement! **Addendum:** I don't believe for a moment that you only did it so you could get the Seras to drink blood, that might have been _one_ of your ulterior motives, but it certainly wasn't all of them!

 **Seras Victoria:** I understand you are new to the organization, so I won't fault you this time, but for future reference, the proper protocol in a Code Rouge Red situation (Alucard dicking around in a fight)is to immediately call me for backup and force him to finish the job. Outside of that, you, unlike your Master, preformed excellently, even when up against a vastly superior opponent. Good work.

 **A Memo to the Following Members of the Iscariot Organization, from Enrico Maxwell:**

 **Father Alexander Anderson:** I understand you are frustrated with the events of your latest mission, but you must try and tone down the sudden, excessive swearing in public. Remember, priests are supposed to have a calming atmosphere around them, not one of an angry drunk.


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter 10:

Disclaimer: I used to a writer like you, and then I took a lawsuit to the knee.

 **AN: Excuse of the Chapter is that school started for me and I have little free time. About half of Chapter 2 for The Dead Space King is done though, so there is that. That being said, I think this chapter is one of the funniest I've put out, and there is another Omake due to the popularity of the last one.**

 **A Memo to the Following Members of the Hellsing Organization, from**

 **Integra Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing:**

 **Alucard:** Covering yourself in glitter will not make you more popular, it only results in the staff thinking someone slipped highly illicit substances into their morning coffee. **Addendum:** The fact that "It works for those Cullen idiots though" is irrelevant. They are not real people, so the point is moot.

 **Seras Victoria:** While shooting your masters head off to keep him from throwing glitter on you was an understandable response, I do wish you hadn't done so during a meeting in my office. Half of the paperwork lying out is ruined, and blood stains aren't easy to get out of the walls!

 **Walter C. Dornez:** Why exactly do you keep hanging up on your phone calls to your sister when I walk in the room? And why does your sister have a male voice with a German accent?

 **Pip Bernadotte:** I apologize for any inconveniences caused by Alucard slipping highly illicit substances into you and your men's morning coffee. I didn't mean for him to take it as a bloody suggestion!

 **A Memo to the Following Members of the Iscariot Organization, from Enrico Maxwell:**

 **Alexander Anderson:** While the burning effigies of vampires are quite effective during sermons, I would appreciate it if you would stop idling burning ones bearing the image of Alucard during meetings. In addition to being rather distracting, you keep tossing them on my desk and setting my paperwork on fire!

 **A Memo to the Following Members of the Letztes Battalion, from The Major:**

 **Warrant Officer Schrodinger:** I do not believe Jan was pleased when you left a list entitled "Healthy Alternatives to Swearing" stapled to his wall…and desk…and bed. He gets riled up enough as is; perhaps you could try something new and _not_ fuel his rage for once?

 **Herr Doctor:** Your "Vampire Frankenstein" project actually shows quite a bit of promise. Please let me know if you need the troops to gather any… materials for you.

 **The Captain:** On behalf of the Battalion, I thank you for keeping Schrodinger entertained for a while by allowing him to play "fetch" with you in your wolf form. You have done us all a great service.

 **Omake: Reprimands after the events of Hellsing OVA Episode 2**

 **A Memo to the Following Members of the Hellsing Organization, from**

 **Integra Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing:**

 **Alucard:** The proper protocol to be followed in the event of an invasion of the estate is _not_ to sit in the basement while everyone else deals with it! **Addendum:** I don't if you just wanted to fight "that blond haired shit" uninterrupted, had it not been for Walter and your infinitely more responsible fledgling we could have all been killed! _**ADDENDUM (Again!)**_ **:** The fact that "as far as those old farts go it wouldn't have been any real loss" while admittedly true, does not change the fact that we'd have been in deep shit once the government found out about it!

 **Seras:** While you did display exemplary work dealing with the situation, in the future I suggest you try to refrain from entering a blood rage. Much as I loathe admitting to Alucard being correct about anything, he may have a point about you needing to drink blood.

 **A Memo to the Following Members of the Letztes Battalion, from The Major:**

 **To All Members of the Battalion:** Regardless of how much you all despised Jan, it is quite unprofessional to throw a _week-long_ party celebrating his death, in which you all get drunk and dance around singing "Ding-Dong, the assholes dead!" I must request you go back to your daily activities. **Addendum:** On the other hand, that cake does look rather delicious… Perhaps I could be persuaded to let the party go on for a few more days…


	11. Chapter 11

Chapter 11:

Disclaimer: The following is a non-profit fan based comedy. Hellsing Ultimate is owned by Kouta Hirano and Studio Madhouse, and this disclaimer setup was created by Team Four Star. No, even my disclaimers don't belong to me.

 **AN: Updated the summary (damn you character limit) other than that not much to say.**

 **A Memo to the Following Members of the Hellsing Organization, from**

 **Integra Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing:**

 **Alucard:** I will not approve a week of paid vacation for you so that you can climb Mt. Everest. There are no old men living up there, and they will not teach you how to dragon Shout. Aren't you powerful enough as is?

 **Seras:** Running through buildings to get where you're trying to go faster is far from inconspicuous, what part of "Secret Government Organization" do none of you comprehend?

 **Walter C. Dornez:** As evident by the half dozen trees lying in the yard, your wires are not meant to be used for cutting the lawn. I am _rich_ Walter, and I can afford to hire a few gardeners!

 **Pip Bernadotte:** Mission reports cannot be turned in with just a single sentence saying, "We killed the thing, mission complete." The ones Alucard hands in are migraine inducing as is; I don't need you making things worse.

 **A Memo to the Following Members of the Iscariot Organization, from Enrico Maxwell:**

 **Alexander Anderson:** Having the cooks use your holy bayonets to cut vegetables, while highly unorthodox, did indeed give the food a distinctly pleasant flavor. So… good work, I think?

 **A Memo to the Following Members of the Letztes Battalion, from The Major:**

 **Herr Doctor:** I'm really not sure where or how you managed to find the Abominable Snowman, but seeing how he's willing to join the Battalion I'm not going to let you dissect him "for science."

" **The Dandy Man" Alhambra:** Your request to come back from Brazil has been denied. I might have considered it a bit further had you not gotten arrested by the police _20 times_ so far in the 2 months you've been in Brazil.

 **First Lieutenant Zorin Blitz:** You cannot put someone into a terrifying illusion that destroys their mind simply because they were rude to you. First of all, it's not even particularly gory or gruesome so there's no entertainment value, and second off… well, *Insert Herr Doctor's rant about our low number of troops here.*

 **The Captain:** While stealing your fellow member's food and biting off their hand when they try to take it back was good entertainment during dinner, stealing _my_ food was an utterly unforgivable offence. I hereby sentence you to smaller portions at dinner for a month, and your squeaky toy allowance will be suspended for the same duration.

 **Omake: How the events of Hellsing Ultimate got kick started. (The prior Omakes will continue next chapter.)**

 **At Hellsing:**

Integra looked up from her desk in a mix of bemusement and mild irritation. "Alucard," she began, "Starting a project to build a 'Giant mega robot' would be an absolutely superfluous waste of money, and you know full well I would never agree to this." Alucard merely grinned his maniacal grin, and replied in his usual arrogant tone. "Ah, but just think of how _jealous_ the Vatican will be when it's done. Why, they'll be crapping their pants at the sight of it…"

Automatically getting ready rebuke him, Integra started, "Alucard, that…" She paused. "Is an excellent point worth consideration." She sat in contemplation for a moment, before standing up, smiling from ear to ear. "Alucard, it shocks me to say this but I think you've hit gold with this one, I'll go inform Walter immediately!" And with that, she strolled out the room.

Alucard just kept grinning. He knew he'd get through to her eventually. Oh, on most days she'd ignore him, or yell him out of her office. But on the few times she actually listened?

Oh, they were worth all the rest.

 **A few days later, at the Vatican**

"AAANNNDERSOOON!" Enrico Maxwell was sitting in his office when he got a most disturbing report. Apparently, those damnable Hellsings were developing new tech that would blow anything the Vatican had out of the water! Enrico clenched his fists. He just couldn't stand for this!

Rushing into Maxwell's office, and wondering why Enrico always called for him like that when they _had_ a pager system, Anderson stood in front of his desk, hurriedly asking what the problem was.

Enrico flung the report at him. "Just look at this!" he yelled. "We're doomed if we can't come up with something to counter this!" Reading the report, Anderson had to concede this was admittedly rather bad. "On that notion, I'm sending you in for more… well I'll call it what it is, volatile holy experimentation. We're going to turn you into a weapon of pure carnage and destruction!" He paused. "Umm, you're okay with that, right?" Anderson rolled his eyes. "Ah suppose, long as Ah get ta kill more dirty fuckin' heathens." He then walked out of the office towards the Vatican's laboratory, as Enrico grinned madly. The Hellsing's would tremble in fear at the Vatican's might!

 **Just one day later, at the Letztes Battalion Headquarters (They have a better spy network)**

The Major cleared his throat as he addressed his troops. "My friends, it has come to my attention that our enemies have begun to develop some… rather impressive military power. With that in mind, it appears we need to move forward with our plans a little sooner than expected." He looked down upon his cheering army and snickered. "The Old Men of the Opera House aren't going to like this very much…" He muttered to himself, before addressing The Doctor, and ordering him to start sending out the first wave of FREAKS. Looking back at his troops, he started speaking once more. "Well then everyone, ah, how does the phrase go? Oh yes," He grinned. "Let's get this party started…"

 **AN: Yes, the events of Hellsing starting when they did was in fact entirely Alucard's fault. Also, I tried to put the Major's speech in a German accent, but I couldn't do it properly myself and when I used an online tool, it was too accurate to how the accent sounds and looked kind of over the top in print. File the lack of accent under the same logic as why the Germans speak in English to each other in the first place.**


	12. Chapter 12: Halloween Interlude

Chapter 11.5: Halloween Special

 **AN: Hellsing Abridged 9 came out, and I'm actually inspired to write now! Also, this is a Halloween themed chapter.**

 **Edit: Reviewer Chadtayor020 pointed out that the Catholic Church, does, in fact, recognize Halloween, so I've edited the chapter to include a few memos for them.**

 **A Memo to the Following Members of the Hellsing Organization, from**

 **Integra Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing:**

 **Alucard:** I'm just as baffled as everyone else as to _how_ the trick-or-treaters managed to find Hellsing Manor, but having Baskerville chase after them while shouting "Get off my lawn!" is not acceptable behavior. **Addendum:** Just because the children going door to door utter the phrase "Trick or Treat," they are not implying that getting scarred for life is an acceptable alternative to candy!

 **Seras Victoria:** While going to console the children Alucard terrified with candy was a kind gesture, the costume you were wearing was… not exactly appropriate for children. Perhaps in future years you should not take the advice of your Master and Mr. Bernadotte when picking out your costume.

 **Walter C. Dornez:** I don't believe eating all those hard candies was a wise idea. I know you're quite fond of them, but your teeth appear to be rather brittle in your old age, and they didn't seem to be able to take it, given how you now need a set of false teeth…

 **Pip Bernadotte:** Covering Hellsing Manor is toilet paper was quite the juvenile prank. Just for the record, you will be the ones to take it all down, and you will not be paid for the time spent doing so.

 **A Memo to the Following Members of the Iscariot Organization, from**

 **His Holiness the Pope:**

 **Enrico Maxwell:** I will not fund a project to put cameras into all of Britain's pumpkins during the Halloween season for surveillance purposes. Ignoring the absurdity of the plan, the Vatican just can't afford something like that. Perhaps try toning down your hatred of the Protestants.

 **Alexander Anderson:** You cannot go around kidnapping people and throwing them in Iscariot's dungeons for dressing up as vampires. What's wrong your division?

 **A Memo to the Following Members of the Letztes Battalion, from The Major:**

 **To all Members:** Those Trick-or-Treater's certainly are a tenacious bunch, aren't they? Especially since they found our base despite it being hidden in a South American jungle…

 **Herr Doctor:** You are not allowed to kidnap the children to use as research subjects. We might be Nazi Vampires, but we have to draw the line somewhere, and whoever said evil never takes a holiday clearly forgot the existence of Halloween.

 **The Captain:** Turning into your wolf form and allowing the children to pet you and feed you candy was very kind, but I'm afraid you can't let them take you home as a pet…

 **First Lieutenant Rip Van Winkle:** While using your magic bullets to deposit candy into the children's candy baskets certainly amused them, it also seems to have broken a number of said baskets, causing quite a bit of distress. Do try to be more careful, you're lucky Schrodinger was able to distract them.

 **Warrant Officer Schrodinger:** While you certainly entertained the children with your improvised "pin the tail on the paradoxical catboy," you cannot, much like the Captain, allow the children to take you home with them, no matter how adorable they find you.

 **Jan Valentine:** I recommend you visit Herr Doctor to get some anesthesia for your lip. While it was unexpectedly brutal of the children to rip out your lip ring, you really should have seen it coming when you swore at them and refused to give them candy. Try to find some holiday spirit, why don't you?

 **First Lieutenant Zorin Blitz:** Allowing one of the children to steal your scythe for their costume was quite irresponsible. Those things aren't exactly easy to make replacements for after all.

 **Omake: Reprimand after the events of Hellsing Ultimate OVA episode 3**

 **A Memo to the Following Members of the Hellsing Organization, from**

 **Integra Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing:**

 **Alucard:** Do you have any idea how much collateral damage you caused during your fight with the "Dandy Man"? The country of Brazil is suing us for millions of dollars and the Round Table is pissed at me! If you actually received a paycheck I'd be docking it so much you'd die of old age before getting paid again!

 **Seras Victoria:** In the future, try to restrain your Master when he starts going all out like that. This is the worst I've ever seen, but from some of the stories my father used to tell me…

 **A Memo to the Following Members of the Letztes Battalion, from The Major:**

 **To all members of the Millennium Battalion:** I assure you that the death of Alhambra was in no way intentional and you can rest assured I would never send any of you on a suicide mission. Definitely. Probably. Maybe.

 **AN: Millennium is being nice to the trick-or-treaters for several reasons, the most relevant of which being that I need to keep this within the humor genre, so despite them having been shown literally eating babies in the original series, they're going to have to be a tad more lighthearted here.**


	13. Chapter 13: Christmas at Hellsing

**Chapter 12: Christmas at Hellsing**

 **Disclaimer: Santa Claus does not deliver Easter Eggs, and I don't own Hellsing.**

 **A Memo to the Following Members of the Hellsing Organization, from**

 **Integra Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing:**

 **Alucard:** Summoning the undead horses of your former cavalry and a demonic looking sleigh (where the hell _did_ that come from?) so that you could "bring deadly ammunition to all the good little soldier boys and girls" was needlessly dramatic and caused quite a bit of the soldiers to hide under their beds in terror, even if it was probably the nicest thing you've ever done.

 **Seras Victoria:** Please stop humoring Alucard and Pip. That Santa costume was not appropriate work attire for any job, vampire hunting included. Although at least you did ignore Alucard's suggestion to use your cannon as a stripper pole, and thank God for that.

 **Walter C. Dornez:** While I can't say I fully condone the fact that you merely smiled benignly and offered Alucard cookies and blood-laced milk when he pulled his "delivering presents" stunt, just letting him do his thing may have been, admittedly, the wisest course of action.

 **Pip Bernadotte:** Spiking the eggnog at the Christmas party was an incredibly tasteless, not to mention highly unoriginal, prank. More importantly, I believe I said in the past that a drunken Alucard is not a sight anyone should have to see even once, yet it has now happened twice! If it weren't for the fact you actually do competent work when on the job I'd have you fired, but you _will_ be paying for the cost of hiring a new gardener after the last one died trying to stop Alucard from destroying the gardens in his drunken fit of stupidity.

 **A Memo to the Following Members of the Iscariot Organization, from**

 **Enrico Maxwell**

 **Alexander Anderson:** Deciding to decorate the Christmas Trees in the Iscariot Organization headquarters with bayonets was an acceptable idea. Having the Iscariot Orphanage children do the same for their trees in order to "give them experience handling deadly weapons" was not. You do recall we don't start training the children until their teenagers, right?

 **A Memo to the Following Members of the Letztes Battalion, from The Major:**

 **Warrant Officer Schrodinger:** I do not believe any of us were amused when we awoke to find you had taken all the ribbon off the Christmas Tree and were batting it around like a piece of string. Especially since the tree happened to be over 20 feet tall and it took over 3 hours to decorate it!

 **First Lieutenant Rip Van Winkle:** While I understand that you painted the Zeppelins red and green to be festive, it will take quite a long time to wash off that much paint, and we certainly can't invade London looking like we're bringing holiday cheer!

 **First Lieutenant Zorin Blitz:** Your illusion of a vampiric Santa Claus dropping Christmas colored bombs on a nearby town was quite entertaining. I knew I made the right choice in tasking you with providing the Christmas Eve movie for the Battalion!

 **The Captain:** Opening all your presents with your teeth ended up creating quite the mess. For the record, you _will_ be cleaning up all that tissue paper.

 **Jan Valentine:** While admittedly the Battalion members made a poor decision in encouraging you to sing Christmas songs, the swear words you inserted were a tad unnecessary. The phrase does not go "Merry goddamn motherfucking piece of shit Christmas, you utter fuckheads".

 **Herr Doctor:** Your gift of an ever-replenishing steak was without a doubt the best thing I've ever received. However, in the future you may want to consider ensuring that the infinite supply of food also stays permanently fresh…

" **The Dandy Man" Alhambra:** In the spirit of Christmas and goodwill, I've decided to let you come back from Brazil to our headquarters. However, you must take down the giant display of cards spelling out "I'M BACK" in all capital letters. Especially since it's located right in front of the Christmas Tree.


	14. Chapter 14

Chapter 13:

 **Disclaimer: The size of my bank account should strongly hint to the fact that I don't own Hellsing.**

 **A Memo to the Following Members of the Hellsing Organization, from**

 **Integra Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing:**

 **Alucard:** If you're going to hang the decapitated heads of the vampires you kill on your wall, then you cannot expect me to force the staff to continue cleaning your room in the dungeons. They don't like going down there as is, and now their official stance is that they'd rather get kicked out onto the streets and be jobless then set one foot down there. The fact that you used your powers to animate said heads the last time they did go down there to clean didn't help matters either, I'm sure.

 **Seras Victoria:** While I'm sure Alucard is quite pleased that you've decided to follow his motto of "never enough dakka" when it comes to choice in firearms, you cannot take a pair of semi-auto anti tank rifles as your standard mission equipment, reasons for which including the sheer amount of collateral damage they would cause, as well as the fact that they don't fit in our transport trucks if nothing else.

 **Walter C. Dornez:** I do not appreciate you stealing what little makeup supplies I own in order to make yourself look younger. I don't understand your recent obsession with wanting to be in the prime of your life again, nor your frequent requests to have Alucard fight with you. Is this some sort of delayed mid life crisis?

 **Pip Bernadotte:** You may find it significant that the half naked woman in the magazine you found (and are so very fond of) is actually Alucard from back in the 40's. You may also find it significant that Alucard only cropped the corpses out of those photos after he put them together in said magazine. **Addendum:** No, I will not pay for you to have a lobotomy to "cleanse those images from your brain."

 **A Memo to the Following Members of the Iscariot Organization, from**

 **Enrico Maxwell**

 **Alexander Anderson:** You need to stop nailing complaints to my office door every time I send you out on a mission you don't want. You're supposed to kill Protestants, not emulate them! **Addendum:** Additionally, the cost of replacing my office door is going to come out of your paycheck. Your bayonets make significantly bigger marks than nails do when rammed into a wooden frame.

 **A Memo to the Following Members of the Letztes Battalion, From The Major**

 **Herr Doctor:** I believe some of the Battalion members are a bit disgruntled about you commandeering their rooms to enlarge the size of your laboratory. Given what said laboratory looks like, perhaps you should simply consider devising a better filing and organization system rather than stealing other people's rooms.

 **Warrant Officer Schrodinger:** Please stop appearing in others people dreams while their sleeping. Additionally, please stop singing "He sees you when you're sleeping, he knows when your awake" at breakfast the next morning. In both situations, you're either interrupting my meal, or my dreams of the meals I'm going to eat the next day.

 **First Lieutenant Zorin Blitz:** Using your illusions to cause the Battalion members to see Slenderman out of the corner of their eyes at random points throughout the day isn't very nice. Herr Doctor has instructed me to remind you he's responsible for the internet access around the base, and he won't let you watch any more of those "Marble Hornets" videos if you continue interrupting his experiments that way.

 **The Captain:** Please stop taking your squeaky toys with you on various reconnaissance missions. Those going with you have noted an increasing number of times you've nearly gotten caught because of them. They also appeared to display profound feelings of embarrassment from the sight of captured prisoner holding in laughter due to hearing squeaky noises coming from your mouth during interrogation.

" **The Dandy Man" Alhambra:** You are not allowed to write anymore IOU's on the back of your explosive playing cards. Especially since you appear to be doing it on purpose, given how I just saw you give someone an IOU for a borrowed tissue yesterday.

 **First Lieutenant Rip Van Winkle:** I am aware you sleep quite a bit, much like your namesake, but your sleepwalking habit is getting out of hand. Just within the last week, you've interrupted one of Herr Doctor's experiments, crashed into the dining room table during my meal, and accidentally shot no less than four people with your magic bullets. If you cannot get this under control, I will get our Spy-In-Hellsing-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named to donate some of his wires and tie you to your bed with them if need be.


	15. Chapter 15

Chapter 15:

 **Disclaimer: I do not own the proper level of respect for authority that would allow me to write a proper disclaimer, and I'm sorry for that.**

 **AN: Wisdom Teeth removal is not fun… Due to that as well as a pile up of schoolwork, this chapter is a little later than usual and The Dead Space King will be getting updated a good bit later than planned.**

 **In response to chadtayor020 from the last chapter, I've actually never seen the Evil Dead movies, so the reference was in fact entirely unintentional. Though I suppose that makes it funnier really.**

 **Thanks to Reddit user SylphofBlood's idea's (check out her stories at adultfanfiction and deviantart, her profile is Philippa MaQuente) this chapter contains memos for Heinkel and Yumie for the first time since chapter 1. It may be worth noting that it involves characterization used in Hirano's oneshot manga Crossfire, as well as the Hellsing fancomic And Shine Heaven Now. I highly recommend reading both, and the former especially will likely be useful in understanding any aspect of their characters used that aren't mentioned in the main Manga and OVA's.**

 **A Memo to the Following Members of the Hellsing Organization, from**

 **Integra Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing:**

 **Alucard:** I'm genuinely at a loss in regards to _how_ you managed to keep several months worth of blood from your kills fresh, but in substituting Hellsing Manor's water supply with that blood I believe you've succeeded once more in giving everyone long term nightmares. In particular, I believe the Wild Geese were quite bothered when they turned on the showers after returning from a mission. I honestly have to ask, do you have some sort of schedule? Do you calculate how long the nightmares from each incident you cause will last, so you can give everyone new ones after people are just starting to get their sanity back?

 **Seras Victoria:** Despite your hatred of daylight, I will not fund a project set up a giant platform covering all of Hellsing Manor to block out the sun. **Addendum:** Your threats to get Alucard to set up another massive disaster if I don't pay for your wall are entirely empty, seeing how he views the sun with an odd sort of nostalgia, and isn't likely to support a project to interfere with his view of it.

 **Walter C. Dornez:** Much like I forbade you from taking away my regular cigars, I stanchly forbid you from taking away my "special" cigars as well. **Addendum:** I do _not_ have a "problem" and I resent your insinuations that I do. We all have our coping mechanisms for dealing with Alucard, and mine isn't any worse than your violently stabbing a picture of him while muttering "one of these days" is.

 **Pip Bernadotte:** While I fully understand how… difficult having Alucard as your coworker can be, I don't believe going to work for the Vatican instead would be a wise course of action. Consider for a moment how intolerable Alucard is when he's on your side, then ask yourself if you really want to be with the people fighting him.

 **A Memo to the Following Members of the Iscariot Organization, from**

 **Enrico Maxwell**

 **Alexander Anderson:** I'm going to have to ask that you resort to more orthodox methods of vampire hunting. Blessing the local water supply of the town you were sent to and then proceeding to flood the entire area may have, admittedly, killed all the vampires, but it also caused severe water damage and the Vatican is being sued for quite a lot of money. The Pope is _not_ happy with the expenses we've been racking up, of that you can be quite certain.

 **Heinkel Wolfe and Yumiko/Yumie:** Vatican members have been reporting rather strange noises coming from the various broom closets around headquarters, and state that upon investigation, they found the two of you stumbling out and looking rather out of it. What exactly where you two doing in there?

 **A Memo to the Following Members of the Letztes Battalion, from The Major**

 **Warrant Officer Schrodinger:** I am highly disappointed that you feel the need to ask why we simply don't have you add your blood to one of Alucard's blood bags and finish him off like that. Surely you can see how boring such a thing would be? Where's the violence, the spectacle of it? Honestly, you sound like Herr Doctor with his "rational strategies".

 **The Captain:** Please refrain from getting people to play "fetch" with you at the dinner table. You have a tendency to knock things over, and I'd rather my food wasn't spilled on the floor. Of course, having other peoples food pushed closer to me where I could subtly steal portions of i- I mean ensure it stayed on the table _was_ rather nice.

 **Herr Doctor:** You are going to have to find some way to dispose of the lab rats you use for experiments. Everyone is getting rather tired of waking up in the middle of the night to find a vampire rodent gnawing on their arm. Not to mention, all these mice running around is highly unsanitary, especially when they get into the kitchens where my-ahem, _our_ food is made.


End file.
